Sunday September 14, 2008

Repairing Relationships: The Road to Recovery – Part 6b
Ephesians 4:21-32

Original message by Rick Warren – used by permission and modified by Kelly Cohoe

I. Introduction

We are in the midst of our series on Celebrate Recovery.

I want take the time this week to go over the first five principles of recovery that we have covered so far, but I will
remind you that we are on step six:

“Evaluate all my relationships, offer forgiveness to those who’ve hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to
others, except when to do so would harm them or others.”

Last week we looked at the first half of this step: “Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me.”

First we asked the question, “Why forgive those who hurt us?”

   a. Because God has forgiven me (Colossians 3:13-14).

   b. Because resentment doesn’t work (Job 5:2, 18:4).

   c. Because I need forgiveness (Mark 11:25).

We then went on to ask, “How do we forgive those who hurt us?”

   a. Admit the hurt.

   b. Release the offender.

   c. Replace my hurt with God’s peace.

Today, we want to take a closer look at the second half of this principle: “Make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.”

II. Make Amends To Those I’ve Hurt

Not only have people hurt you, you’ve hurt some people.

Why should we make amends to those we have hurt?

Because unresolved relationships are strongly related to your problem and they prevent recovery from happening.

Listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24, “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and
you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and
be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” (NLT)

How do I make amends to the people I have hurt?

   A. You make a list of those you have harmed and what you did.

You say, “I can’t think of anybody.” Let me help you remember.

Is there anyone you owe a debt to that you haven’t repaid? Is there anyone you have broken a promise to? Is there
anyone you are guilty of over-controlling? A spouse? A child? A brother? An employee? A friend? Is there anyone you
are overly possessive of? Is there anyone you have been hypercritical of? Have you been verbally abusive to anybody?
Or physically abusive? Or emotionally abusive? Is there anyone you have not appreciated or not paid attention to or forgotten an anniversary? Is there anyone you have been unfaithful to? Or have you lied to anyone? Is this enough to get
you started, or do I need to go on? You make a list of those you have harmed and what you did.

   B. Think how you would like someone to make amends to you.

Luke 6:31: “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.” (NLT)

So you stop and think, “If someone were going to come and apologize to me, how would I want it done?” And you
do it that way.

There are three issues you need to look at:

   1. Timing

“There’s a right time and right way to do everything.” (Ecclesiastes 8:6, GNT)

You don’t just drop a bomb on somebody. You don’t just do it when they’re rushing out the door or laying their head
down on the pillow: “By the way I’ve got some stuff to deal with.”

You do it according to their time – not when it’s best for you, but when it’s best for them.

   2. Attitude

“Speak the truth in a spirit of love.” (Ephesians 4:15, GNT)

How would you like somebody to apologize to you? Privately, with humility, with sincerity, to simply say what they did
was wrong, to not make any justification for it, no excuses, not talk about your part, just assume responsibility.
When you think of the person you need to apologize to, they may have had a part in the problem. But you’re just trying to clear up your side of the ledger in this step. You don’t try to justify your actions, and you focus only on your part and
don’t expect anything back from the person you’re trying to make amends to.

Make restitution where possible. If you’ve borrowed something and not returned it, you return it. If you owe somebody some money, you pay it back.

The very first time I did this step, I thought I might go to jail as a result.

When I was 19 years old I spent a summer working at a marina and boat launch on a lake near Tacoma, Washington.
One of my responsibilities was to collect the boat launching fee. [Tell the rest of the story.]

Because I have constantly sought throughout my life to make amends when I have hurt someone, I can honestly stand
before you and say that although I’m not perfect, I have, as best as I was able, made amends to everyone I have hurt.

This has brought great freedom to me, allows me to have a clear conscience and gives me confidence before God.

“Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. 22 And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him.” (1 John 3:21-22, NLT)

There is a notorious man named Zacchaeus in the Bible, Jesus came to his house, a tax collector, and in those days
you could charge people whatever you wanted, you would pay Rome what they asked for, and then you could keep
over and above anything else you got. So tax collectors would rip off everybody and they were the most hated people in society – and Jesus chose to go to his house. Zacchaeus’s life was changed when he met Christ. He said, “Lord, I’m
going to go back and restore fourfold everything I’ve cheated anybody of.” Jesus looked at him and said, “Salvation has come to this guy.” He was a real Christian. He was willing to put his money where his mouth is. He made restitution
wherever it was necessary.

If you have any question about this issue of restitution, please feel free to contact Rose, Tonie or me.

   3. Appropriateness

“Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.” (Proverbs 12:18, GNT)

Again, there are some situations where it would be unwise to contact the one you’ve hurt or wronged.

Remember the qualifier on this step is “except when to do so would harm them or others.” Some situations you
wouldn’t want to go back to because it would just open up a whole can of worms and probably make the situation worse. You could harm them or harm an innocent party. You don’t want to go back to an old girlfriend who’s now married.
Or a boyfriend. You don’t want to do that. Here’s an innocent party.

If you were involved in some kind of affair you don’t need contact with that person. So what do you do? You use the
empty-chair technique or you write a letter that you never send. Just do what you can do to balance the ledger.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV)

   C. Refocus your life.

There are three steps to refocusing your life:

   1. Put your heart right. Release and forgive.

   2. Reach out to God.

Ask Christ into your life. Say, “Jesus Christ, God, come into my life.”

Reach out to God. You can’t manufacture enough forgiveness for all the times you’re going to be hurt in the world.
You just don’t have it. Human forgiveness runs dry. You need to plug in to Jesus Christ, so that He gives you the
forgiveness you need to let go of something on a daily basis, and finally it’s released. You reach out to God and He gives
you the forgiveness you thought you didn’t have.

   3. Face the world again.

You don’t withdraw, you don’t hide in a shell, you resume living, you take chances, you say, “I’m not a victim anymore.” And you start looking ahead.

I am not here to say this is all easy, but I do know that this is another critical step in you being healed from your hurts, delivered from your bad habits, and free from your hang-ups.